Proper Dog Grammar, The Big K, and Other Funny Stories

My friends call me a grammar Nazi and I regretfully suppose I am.  I know the difference between there, their and they’re and principle and principal.  I actually really liked English in school.  When I took a test, I prayed for essay questions.  I can talk or write my way out of just about anything.  Math…not so much!

My college English teacher used to give me a red pen and my fellow students papers and she would turn me loose.  Which I suppose did not make me a popular comrade; and I realize now she simply enjoyed not having to grade them alone!

Don’t get me wrong, you can read through any of my articles and find grammatical errors and a misplaced comma, semi-colon and other punctuation but for the most part on a good day I have a decent grasp on the English language.

So I find it funny when I encounter so silly grammatical errors.  And, I am not even talking about the normal "I seen", "ain’t" , "cain’t" or "ya’ll"s I hear so often living in the South.

For instance, I recently got a message explaining how a friend of mine couldn’t get her dog to “heal” for the life of her.

To be Spaded...

I giggled to myself and wondered… if I asked her if she had sent him to medical school would she find that offensive?  Then I though most dogs are actually natural “healers” they heal our spirit all of the time.  But teaching them to “heel” on a leash is difficult work.  If you need help with that, click here.

Another of my favorite misspellings or miss-speakings (yes, I know speakings is not a word ;) so it were is spayeded.

I can’t tell you how often, as a vet tech, I took a call from someone asking to have their pet spayeded, or I think it must be spelled in their minds as spaded.  I only spell it spayed-ed because I know the real term is “spayed”.

In my mind I always pictured a spade (the garden tool) being used in some violent fashion.

I actually had my dog spayed this week, and when I called to make the appointment I asked if they would spaded her just for the giggle I could get on the other end of the phone.  They know I was a tech so we can share some inside humor.

Sometimes it is just easier to use the term neuter although people think that refers to only males, neutering can be used for either sex.

I use to have a friend that would use the word “castrate” with certain male clients when she would refer to neutering their male dog.  I think she use to like the way they would cringe in pain when the term would come out of her mouth.  It was almost like they could feel it.

How About Distemperament? 

You know you veterinarians, vet techs and assistants are laughing right now!

What is distemperament?

I was never quite sure, but people often wanted their dogs to get a shot of it.

I think maybe it is a combination of the prevention of the disease distemper combined with something that will perhaps enhance the dog’s temperament?  And, if that is the case I think I could use a shot of that on some days!

...or Bordadello instead of Bordetella.  It always sounded like some kind of weird brothel to me.

My Personal Favorites? 

But my two favorite stories came from a radiologist who use to visit our clinic to review our x-rays and perform ultrasounds on some of our patients.

After performing an ultrasound on a small dog that lived with an older male client, she brought the client into one of our exam rooms to explain her findings.

“It’s not the big K is it Doc?” he asked as he shook his head.

Taken aback, she looked at him confused; then pondered for a moment and asked, “I am not sure what the big K is?”

“You know... cancer.”

Personally, I am not sure how she kept a straight face.

“No, Mr. Jones, it’s not cancer”

For years (and still in my mind and with my friends from that clinic) we referred to cancer as the “Big K”.

Saved the Best for Last…

Then there was the time that we had a client that requested all of his dog’s nipples be amputated (seriously I couldn’t make this stuff up).

He was convinced that his dog’s nipples were in fact not nipples at all and that instead they were listening devices put there by aliens who were trying to infiltrate his life.

Yeah, um... we had to tell him we couldn’t help him with that particular surgery…  I don’t think we had the surgical equipment needed to remove alien probes!

The way I see it, life is full of little surprises and amusements and there is no reason not to take a little mental time out here and there to see not only the beauty it has to offer but also the humor that surrounds us.

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  1. Grizzly Bear Mom says:

    Imagine the difficulty the man has explaining his request to his wife’s gynacologist! Evidently she only listed 1/3 as much as his dog.

    And truthfully, it does look like that alien is sucking that dog’s brain out.


  2. Pete says:

    I have tears in my eyes reading these stories especially the one about the person that wanted his dogs nipples amputated…..priceless.

    As a dog trainer (retired )for over 35 years I heard a lot of funny things as well.


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